Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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