guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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