DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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