The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
