hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
