i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
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I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass