the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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