Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
