Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize