I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
