I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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