I must be too annoying 4 u.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
