i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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