everyone is single if you try hard enough
they need to just BURY HIM!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
