remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize