How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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