sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
