He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
