Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
