Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
