the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
