you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
