NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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