i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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