Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
