my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
