highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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