Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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