dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
