I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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