Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
