i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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