4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
