There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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