oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
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There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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