I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
