Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
