the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
