I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
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