Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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