don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
