Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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