well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
