If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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