ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
