She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
