It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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