god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
