You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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