i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
