i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Still dying that you shit outside
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
