My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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