24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Randomize
