Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
