I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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