is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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