i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
