I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
